it’s been a year, they frown and look at me. and it takes everything in me to not blurt out “I’M GOING THROUGH FIVE!” five, and sometimes I’m not sure which one hurts the most. or if they all hurt the same, taking different but equal parts of me.

1. the scapegoat. ironically, this one appears to hurt the least (right now) but this one has hurt the most in the past. subject to change at any moment.
2. I’m selfish for this one. normally, I hide from attention but I didn’t mind it here. because it never watched me with wide eyes, hiding behind bushes, waiting for me to slip up. it held my hand and took on my tears and gave me a bed to sleep in and when does that happen? I can’t look at threes in the same way. and then the guilt finds its way in because how many people experience one real one let alone two at the same time?
3. see above. 3 is the same as 2 except completely different. but more alike than they care to admit.
4. one year later. I have other friends now, but asking them isn’t like asking you. it’s not in my nature to ask for favors, and I think you knew that about me before I even did. this is the one I keep the most locked under my tongue, if I told them then they’d really believe I was insane.
5. the knowing glances, the space in between, the awkward pauses, the way we could rotate conversation in an endless cycle and never get bored or tired, the disagreements, the laughter. this hurts the most right now, and if I’m being honest, I don’t see a way out of it. people fall in love everyday and friendships are meant to fizzle out and then find a new spark but there’s no guarantee I’ll laugh that much ever again.